


you know where i am

by keizh



Category: Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor 2
Genre: F/F, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 18:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13506951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keizh/pseuds/keizh
Summary: makoto feels bad and fumi does her best to be there for her.





	you know where i am

**Author's Note:**

> it's difficult moving past losing out on something you dreamed of for years no matter how much times goes by, and it sucks.
> 
> granted, makoto seems to have more or less come to terms by the time game timeline happens, but i imagine it took a lot of effort to get to that point. i do not doubt that there are still times when she is bothered by what happened, but it's not as bad as it used to be. anyway, i just like the idea of fumi being someone she managed to confide in at some point along the way and it helped a bit during this particular instance.
> 
> i had written this with different intentions originally, but of course everything changed along the way so i'm sorry if it reads in a way that makes it seem like solely being with fumi is integral to makoto's healing process because well, everyone at jp's is integral in that sense honestly... this is more just a moment that exists beside the many moments makoto probably had with herself by herself and with others as well in trying to overcome it all. not that i should have to explain myself, i guess, bc it's just a fic but ahahah

Despite how many years have passed since the accident, there are days when she finds herself wondering just how things might have turned out if not for her bad timing.

Sometimes, it is merely looking in the mirror while getting ready for work that spurs the thoughts along. The scar faded as much as it possibly could and yet remains a giant sore sight to her, but luckily it no longer seared with pain as it did for months after the incident. During such times, her fingers find themselves tracing along the edges as the weight of her memories settle upon her shoulders once more. She rather dislikes her body at that moment, every single blemish becoming more and more apparent as her gaze searches beyond the giant remnant of her crushed dream.

Another few minutes pass of silent observation before she shakes her head and continues with her routine. The thoughts do not leave her mind so simply though and she trudges her way through with the memory replaying in her head as much as she tries to distract herself with anything and everything else.

Such moods last for a day or maybe a few days and sometimes even longer, but she tries her best to mask it with her usual steadfast work ethic and rigid yet pleasant demeanor. Given that even her most trusted companions are unaware of her inner plight, she expects that her acquaintances would know no difference either. Sometimes, she wishes they might notice if only to be able to allow herself some reprise of blocking up all emotions within herself and herself alone.

However, in the end, she determines it rather foolish to burden others with her innermost thoughts as there is no solution beyond simple acceptance of the fact that it is in the past and she is in the present.

With that, she continues as she does without even the smallest clue that something might be eating at her all through the day.

As soon as her shift is over and everyone takes their respective leaves, Makoto releases a long sigh as she heads back to her quarters. Despite all that she did through the day, she feels unfulfilled by any of it and frustration builds with the dissatisfaction. The only thing she wants to do is flop onto her bed and go straight to sleep with the hope that she might wake up and forget about the entire thing.

And she does just that.

Or tries to anyway.

There is no luck in falling right asleep and Makoto wonders if she should perhaps get changed in that case. At that moment though, her phone rings and she rolls over, fumbling to answer the call before the other hangs up.

"Sako here."

"Hey, Sakocchi."

"Oh, Fumi,” Makoto cannot help but sound relieved that it isn’t someone else. “What's going on?"

"Nothing. I just thought I might like to hear your voice."

Immediately, Makoto sputters in embarrassment and Fumi laughs at her inability to say anything comprehensible.

"Am I coming on too strong? I'll try to tone it down for you. Let me start over, here- Hey, Sakocchi.”

“A-ah, yes?”

“I'm calling because I thought about you today."

"... You… you did, huh?"

"Yep, quite a bit,” Makoto imagines she must be smirking at this. “Are you still working...?"

"No, I'm in my room now."

"Hm, that's different. Tired?"

There's a pause as Makoto wonders if she should bother even vaguely implying that there are certain things on her mind, but rolls onto her front again at the mere idea of trying to open up to Fumi about it. Granted, Fumi is more than a friend to her so it is not as though it would be problematic to voice such things, but Makoto still finds it difficult to approach emotional topics with her so casually, especially because Fumi never did the same to her either.

"Yes. Tired is all."

"That's certainly a long pause for such a simple response."

Unfortunately, Fumi is rather astute even if she isn't the type to pry into feelings and the like.

"Well... I guess, more than tired, but..."

"What's more than tired?" Fumi cannot help herself from joking a bit. "... Dead?"

"That's ridiculous," it garners a small chuckle from Makoto, before she sighs a bit in reluctance to try and explain what she means exactly. "Certainly not dead, just-"

She cuts herself off at that, rolling onto her back again to stare at the ceiling as she tries to settle on a good way to ease into lowering the dam of intrusive thoughts. There is a long silence as Fumi allows her to think it through, patiently, faint clicking in the background as Makoto shuts her eyes for a moment.

"I just- It's nonsense, really."

The background noise ceases and Fumi's voice turns into a much more attentive tone. "If it's coming from you, it's not nonsense."

"Haha, well, coming from someone else it might be nonsense."

"Probably, but I am speaking with you, not someone else who I may not care for as much."

It amuses Makoto to know how straightforward she is in admitting such. She wants to keep skirting around the subject with playful dialogue, but knows that Fumi will probably inquire about it again later if it isn't addressed now. Eventually, Makoto knows that they will have moments where they do have to open up to each other as they can only go so long before something happens that cannot simply be shaken off without a word.

"I guess, I had been thinking about what it might have been like had I actually gone on to compete."

A pause. "You mean, if the accident had not happened?"

"Yeah."

"Well-"

"I know, I know. It's useless to think about it because it happened already and there's no changing it, but I just- I can't help, but think about it sometimes. It doesn't matter how many variations I come up with about it or how things are now and how glad I am that it did turn out so well despite that... I just wonder."

There's no immediate response from Fumi on this and Makoto feels like she is surely going to sink into the bed beneath her as if it were a void. Rather, she wishes that would happen so she could get out of hearing what Fumi has to say to her about this. Her brain imagines all sorts of logical responses that she's already thought about time and time again and it tires her out.

"Mm... it would be nice if it had not happened."

Makoto does not expect to hear such a thing and it makes her feel a tinge of worry as to how the rest of the discussion will go.

"It cannot be helped to think about that if it affected you so deeply. I mean, it was a big change after all."

Makoto utters a small agreement to that, still unsure of what to make of Fumi's responses to her.

"Surely, you have other things you want to say about this, yes?"

"It doesn't particularly matter-"

"It matters."

"... Okay.”

“You know, it's okay to tell me what you think when you feel like this. I won't bite,” Fumi almost leaves it at that, but then quietly mutters, “I think.”

Makoto cannot help but smile at the honesty with which Fumi is uncertain of her own ability in handling the matter. At least, they are both trying.

“I suppose… it’s mildly upsetting to know I’ll never know, especially since it is useless to bother wanting to know given that it’s impossible. Really, it’s just a matter of trying to be content with the direction I’ve come in and dismissing that the other path ever existed in the first place.”

Fumi says nothing and Makoto finds it increasingly difficult to continue with her jumble of thoughts about everything. She can talk in circles for ages over the idea and it would never meet an end until she tired of picking at every single detail. Thinking about it like that makes her not want to really explain any further and spare Fumi of her pointless rambling.

Clearing her throat, Makoto decides to change the subject. “Anyway, you said you thought about me earlier?”

“Hm? Oh, right,” Fumi sounds a little distracted, but she does not bother to address Makoto’s choice to redirect the conversation elsewhere. “Actually, it was because the chief asked me to help out at the Tokyo branch for a week since the techs there are having some kind of issue with the terminal itself. Not sure what in the world they are struggling with, but apparently all their heads put together can’t figure it out still.”

“Ah, he mentioned that something was going on with that.”

“Yes, and since the chief is busy with other matters, I figured I may as well just lend a hand anyway since I know it as well as he does. Too bad I cannot just fix it remotely like the security systems and such. What a pain.”

“And this made you think of me?” Makoto questions, lost on the connection.

“Oh! Right, yes. I forgot what I was getting to...  Well, since I have to make a trip there, I was hoping I might get to see you at some point. If you’re not too busy of course.”

“I always have time for you.”

“How charming.”

Makoto’s face grows warm at this, wanting to interject that she does not mean to be charming and is merely being honest. “So how soon do you think you’ll be coming?”

“Someone’s eager.”

“I’m… simply making sure I arrange my time accordingly.”

“Uh-huh,” Fumi’s voice is skeptical and laced with amusement. It makes Makoto feel flustered by her inability to really argue with her to change her mind on why she says these things as Makoto knows that deep down Fumi is all too aware.

“I’ll probably be coming next week since I do have a few things that cannot really be postponed, unfortunately. Luckily, the terminal’s not quite as urgent, but who knows if we might end up needing it before then.”

“I hope not.”

“Likewise. Then again, I would get to see you sooner rather than later if that were the case.”

“That’s-”

“A joke,” Fumi cuts her off. “Don’t worry so much.”

Makoto forces a small laugh as though to pretend like she was aware of the jest all along.

“I’ll be looking forward to when you get here.”

Unable to stop a yawn from escaping, Makoto stretches a bit on the bed, feeling much more relaxed than when she first entered the room.

“You really are tired, aren’t you? You should go to sleep.”

“It’s so early still,” Makoto tries to mask another yawn that comes on during her statement, but fails to do much more than muffle her words a bit.

“Obviously, you’re not getting enough rest if that’s the case. It might help with the, er… issue you are having as well if you turn in early… And perhaps I will do the same.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

“It’s about the same as when we spend the night together, isn’t it? To go to bed at the same time. Think about it like that.”

“You have a point,” Makoto admits, mulling over the idea some more. There is no doubt that Makoto has no trouble at all falling asleep during the times that she does have company over. For her, though, it is hard to fool herself into falling into a routine when all the pieces are not actually in place. “I will try.”

There is a short silence and Makoto is unsure as to whether Fumi was expecting her to say something more.

“Hey… If you, uh, if you want, I can stay on the line with you until then… if that, um, m-makes it easier...?” Makoto notices the slight nervous edge to Fumi’s voice.

“You don’t have to. I don’t want to keep you from anything. I certainly appreciate the offer though.”

“Yeah, just-just let me know… I-I guess,” Fumi mumbles.

“Thank you. I will be sure to inform you should it be needed.”

“Good. Then, I won't keep you any longer. Try to get more rest.”

“I will,” Makoto hesitates in speaking further, but manages to move forward with it. “Hey, Fumi….”

“What?”

"I'm glad you called. Speaking with you…” Makoto trails off, wishing she could find the right way to compose how deep the feeling runs, but every word comes up short. “Well, I have no good way to properly convey it to you, but-”

“Heh, perhaps you can think of a good way by the time I am there.”

“P-possibly.”

“Silly Sakocchi,” Fumi is soft with her voice and Makoto shivers a little from the warmth that rises to her neck from the tone. “I understand the basic feeling behind what you want to express to me so there is no need to actually concern yourself with finding the right words.”

Makoto is at a loss as to how to respond as the blush settles in on her face. As much as Fumi constantly tells her she has a certain way with words, Makoto thinks that Fumi is much more skilled at formulating statements that cause her heart to skip a beat.

“Now, let’s go to bed, yeah?”

“Yeah… Thanks again.”

“Of course.”

With that, the call ends and Makoto continues gazing at the ceiling in a bit of a daze over their conversation as the prior warmth at her neck slowly dissipates.

 

* * *

 

By the time that Fumi does come down to help solve what turned out to be rather minor technical issues, Makoto is quite deep in the slump of her intrusive memories again as much as she fought against it with the distraction of Fumi’s upcoming visit. It worked for the first couple of days, but soon enough the mere thought was no longer enough to keep the vague emptiness at bay. There was really no choice but to ride out the awful waves of depression it seemed and so Makoto simply accepted that the heavy disconnect between her and the constant unfolding reality before her was not going to leave so easily this time.

Even so, she still manages to keep it hidden away quite masterfully behind her work, driven once more to throw herself completely into the tasks at hand again in order to busy herself enough to not allow significant time to become swallowed by her thoughts. Thankfully, working longer than she is required helps with passing the days until her companion does drop by finally near the end of the week, having thoroughly sorted out everything with the terminal and the employees involved with the fiasco.

When they do meet up, Fumi treats her to dinner at one of Makoto’s favorite restaurants, wherein they share their respective minor frustrations of work and everything else that occurred since their phone call the week before. Such conversations are pleasant and a nice change of pace, but Fumi cannot help noticing that Makoto seems to have something weighing on her mind from the way her gaze lingers on nothing in particular without saying anything. There is no push to make her talk about it though as Fumi does not desire to disrupt their nice outing since Makoto seemed to be enjoying herself otherwise. Besides, that sort of discussion would best be saved for a more private setting.

As with every other time, Makoto invites Fumi to spend more time together at her place afterward and Fumi obliges without a second thought. They walk back in a comfortable silence and each time their hands accidentally bump into one another, they try to distance themselves again and again despite a mutual desire to grab hold.

Opening the door, Makoto waits for Fumi to enter first before following behind and shutting the door behind her gently.

It is then that Fumi immediately takes the opportunity to reach for Makoto’s hands, smiling as soon as their fingers make contact. Makoto’s face rapidly grows warmer as she watches Fumi move in closer, instinctively leaning back against the door. Her lips press against her and Makoto fights the urge to turn her head in embarrassment, shutting her eyes as the pleasant sensation of heat tickles at her neck. Seeing Makoto’s reaction makes Fumi laugh softly, entertained by how easily flustered she is by such affections.

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

“About a month, yes,” Makoto manages to get ahold of herself enough to respond without her voice wavering.

“Well, it’s nice to see you.”

Makoto smiles attentively while reciprocating the statement. “It’s nice to see you, too.”

They stay like the for a bit longer before Fumi pulls her hands away. She removes her jacket and drapes it over the desk chair, taking a seat as Makoto relaxes from her stiffened posture and moves to set her keys down on the counter.

“Do you want any tea or anything?”

“Sure, tea sounds fine.”

Makoto nods and gets to work on getting it prepared as Fumi idly watches her movements. Eventually her attention wanders from Makoto and to the laptop on her desk and Fumi fights the urge to ask her if she can check on a couple things, all too aware that she has a bit of a problem when it comes to being around computers. Instead, she peers at the notepad on Makoto’s desk, trying to make sense of the rushed writing without context. Surprisingly, it isn’t too difficult to connect the dots as far as what it pertains to and Fumi’s attention meanders off elsewhere.

“There’s not really anything new here,” Makoto comments, having caught a glance of Fumi’s curious searching.

“I see that,” Fumi crosses one leg over the other, slouching a little more comfortably into the chair. “Do you ever consider getting an apartment off base?”

“I don’t really see the point, honestly. It’s cheaper and I don’t have to worry about coming in for an emergency when the time arises.”

There is a long “hm” from Fumi at that as she thinks about how basic Makoto is with her lifestyle. Even though Fumi too chose to simply reside within the complex for JP’s employees, she often found herself missing the separation between work and living space. She could not deny the convenience of living at work, though. Still, it sounds like a nice idea to live elsewhere at times.

“Why? Do you think about living outside of the branch’s housing?” Makoto asks, still waiting for the water to finish heating up.

“Every now and then. I suppose, eventually, I might like to explore other options, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense from a financial standpoint as you said.”

“Might be worth it, depending.”

“Yeah…” Fumi agrees, watching Makoto again.

“It’s been a long time though since I’ve lived anywhere else. I mean, the last place I was living was my parents’ house up until I was hired.”

“Ah, yes, that is quite some time.”

The mention of it reminds Fumi of the fact that she should try to approach the topic of what has been bothering Makoto as of late, considering that she tried to tell Fumi a bit about it in their call before. She bites at the inside of her lip a bit, mulling over how to open the floor to addressing her concern.

There’s a small beep from the hot water dispenser and Makoto fills each cup, dunking the tea bags in with care before carrying the two mugs over. She hands one over to Fumi before taking a seat on the edge of her bed, placing the cup on the desk to wait for the tea to steep.

“Thanks for dinner again, by the way.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Next time, I’ll get yours.”

“I’ll hold you to it then,” Fumi says as she twirls the bag around in her cup some, watching as the water grows slowly darker. Peering down at it, Fumi figures she might as well try to break the ice on the more serious topic at hand. Sparing a quickly glance up at Makoto, she sees her again gazing rather blankly into space.

“Hey,” Fumi begins, trying her best to mask her uncertainty of how to really talk about this sort of thing face to face. “Um, so… you seemed a bit distracted at dinner.”

“Ah... “ Makoto rubs her neck, realizing that perhaps she was not doing so well at maintaining an unsuspecting appearance. “I’m just a bit tired I think.”

Fumi blinks at the answer, “The same tired as last week?”

“Oh. Right, I did say that last week,” Makoto moves on to ruffling her hair, realizing that Fumi was quite on to her at this point.

“Is it the same thing…?”

Fumi watches closely as Makoto rubs at her neck again, expression changing to one of mild distress as she searches desperately for words. Again, Fumi busies herself with the tea bag, deciding to allow Makoto time to try and sort herself out a bit before she tries to step in to help guide the conversation along.

After a couple minutes of Makoto attempting to try and say something, she settles on just giving a simple confirmation that she was still very much distracted by the same thoughts. Seeing Makoto struggle to even voice a “yes” to her question, Fumi places her cup to the side, preparing herself for a bit of an uphill battle to get to the bottom of figuring out how to help Makoto.

“Are you okay?” Fumi questions.

“... I am okay enough.”

“You don’t sound like it.”

“That’s because-”

“You can tell me the truth.”

Makoto bites back her half-baked explanation at that, sighing to herself as she put a hand to her face. She could not quite bear to meet Fumi’s gaze now, sight focused determinedly at the floor.

“I can’t escape it.”

“Escape it…?”

“The memory is always there. I can’t get rid of it. It just happens sometimes like this where I can’t shake it off and I just feel awful for being stuck. It’s like I’m back in the hospital again, trapped in my inability to move forward.”

“Sakocchi…”

“I shouldn’t be so bothered because it happened so long ago, but there are times when nothing I do can stop the memories and the thoughts and the wishing and the daydreaming of what might have happened.”

“Sakocchi.”

Fumi gets up to take a seat next to Makoto, arms wrapping around the woman in an attempt to help comfort her. She stays silent for a bit, waiting to see if Makoto might ramble more about it, but it seems the embrace has quieted her for the time being.

“I’m here for you. I may not always understand or have the right response for you, but I can always listen and support you no matter what. I care about you, you know. More than the usual amount. You’re that important to me. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me these things.”

Her grip tightens as she squeezes Makoto tightly against her and she feels Makoto’s hand settle on her arm.

“... Do you think if the accident hadn’t happened...”

“I’m sure you would have been happy.”

Fumi finds it a bit painful to think about the other reality as it meant she might not have ever had the opportunity to ever know Makoto, but she knows that she would rather Makoto not be stuck in an endless cycle of suffering if there was a choice to change the past. Even she knows she would pick Makoto’s happiness over selfishly wanting to keep her in the present reality given the chance. Seeing her trying to cope with coming to terms with the accident only makes Fumi more aware of just how deeply Makoto was wounded by the entire incident. It is hard to imagine feeling content with oneself, knowing that there might have been something greater on the other side.

“When I think about it, I wish that you could still be with me then.”

“Haha, you can’t have everything…”

“With you next to me like this, I feel really silly for even wanting to know about what might have been. It’s really… I don’t know- It provides me better perspective.”

“I like being with you.”

“Fumi…”

“I know it doesn’t really help, but I don’t think I would have enjoyed working at JP’s as much if it weren’t for you.”

Makoto feels a pang in her chest at the confession, wishing that she could stop obsessing so much over the past. Why couldn’t she just ignore the feeling and be glad that she is successful and surrounded by people who cared about her as such?

The raw emotions continue building, overwhelmed by Fumi’s comforting touch and the thought that she might abandon her friends were she able to turn back time and wait just a few seconds longer before she crossed that intersection. It feels awful knowing that she might be so selfish as to do that and never come to JP’s or have the opportunity to work for such a unique organization, to know of the supernatural and her innate capabilities of serving underneath someone as skilled and adept as Yamato. He showed her opportunity when she was at her lowest and even still, she might just take it all back as in debt as she was to him. Frankly, it made her feel unworthy of everything she had been given thus far.

Feeling Makoto grow increasingly rigid, Fumi releases her hold on her, pulling back a bit to look at her clearly. Such a sight makes her frown, dismayed at how little she could really do to aid Makoto in feeling any bit better through all of this. All she has is the warmth of her body and meaningless words that ultimately do nothing but offer fleeting appease; both terribly useless at the moment as neither seemed to really do Makoto any good so far.

Fumi removes her hands from her completely, still looking rather forlorn over having nothing to offer Makoto at this point.

“... You should have some of your tea,” Fumi says, reaching over to Makoto’s cup and handing it over to her.

Makoto accepts, taking a sip even though she feels like doing anything but drinking the warm liquid. It helps to calm her some, though, and she takes another small sip as the emotions begin to dull down in intensity.

“Sorry.”

“For what? Being honest with me?”

“... I don’t like subjecting you to this sort of thing.”

“I don’t mind. As I said, I may not be able to help you beyond just being here, but I would rather you tell me what’s on your mind than to continue feeling as though you need to keep it hidden forever.”

Fumi reaches over to grab her tea, sipping at it as well while Makoto lets her words settle in more. As much time as they spent together, Makoto never felt comfortable admitting much regarding her emotions so it was a bit of a surprise that Fumi was so open to hearing her out. She is not sure why she felt as though it would ever be a problem with Fumi.

“I was hoping I might feel better before you came.”

“Hm…. So you’ve been thinking about it this entire time?”

“Not actively. It’s just been kind of there.”

“And right now?”

Makoto sets her cup back down on the desk and Fumi motions for her to also take her cup as well, which Makoto does and places next to hers. Thinking about it again, Makoto is still reluctant to give a definite yes to the question as much as the feeling still weighs down on her. Voicing it did not mean it was magically going to go away of course and it frustrates her that she is still struggling to make it over her own wall.

“Right now…” Makoto looks over at Fumi.

Makoto knows that being with Fumi is not going to necessarily cure her of these thoughts and feelings, but it certainly helps to subside the severity. There will always be times where she cannot get past her doubts and insecurities, the recurring nightmares about being violently slammed into, the idea that she might have been the star athlete everyone wanted her to be; but no longer does it control every aspect of her life as it did during the first few years of recovery.

They gaze at each other for a bit longer before Makoto leans in closer and Fumi instinctively does the same, the distance quickly closing between them as their lips gently press against one another.

In that moment, Makoto cannot fathom a universe where she cannot feel Fumi’s breath against her skin or the way her skin burns every time her fingers glide along the back of her neck. That same tightness within her chest grows stronger with each kiss she plants against her face and Makoto once again feels absolutely ridiculous for ever wanting to abandon her current life for one where she does not get to hold Fumi in her arms.

“Right now...”

These moments cannot easily replace her wistful desires to experience a different life, but it is undeniable that no amount of imagined success could ever amount to her life as it is now.

As Makoto stares at her, Fumi’s fingers come in contact with her face and the pleasant warmth floods through her being once again.

“Speaking with you, being with you…”

Her mind repeats everything stirring within her heart, but the words still do not come out.

“It’s okay,” Fumi whispers.

Perhaps she won’t feel completely better the next morning or the next week or even the next month, but there are those who will always be there for her.

And right now, that's more than enough.


End file.
